One Second Can Change My World

Last night I started this blog because I was upset. I thought starting from the beginning and getting my feelings out would be a start to doing myself some good in all of this. So I went to bed upset and angry. I wanted a family member to do a simple thing for me (send me a picture in a text) and they told me No they'd do it tomorrow. I explained I didn't need it tomorrow I needed it that day. Still got a No. Now, did I have a right to be angry? I think so. They were just plain rude over the easiest thing, a picture. 

But, off to extremes I went, and still woke up that way at 6 a.m. It actually took me about 3-4 hours to pull my brain together and my medications ( mood stabilizer + zoloft in the a.m.) helped. That simple No to me turned into that person didn't love me anymore. Why would they do that? Over and Over I played it in my head. All the things I had done for them. Why? There had to be a reason. They were mad at me, they didn't want me around, I wasn't useful in their life, the list goes on and on. As I took my evening pills that knock me out and stop my brain from going off the deep end (Thank God!) I had worked myself up into full blown tears and just curled in a ball and fell asleep on my couch for the night. 

When I woke up I felt pretty much the same. My husband just thinks I'm not feeling well, as I have COPD as well and I am coughing and struggling with that right now because of the wonderful winter weather. The reason I was feeling the way I was wasn't his fault so I didn't want to involve him, I knew this was one I could work through on my own. So I took my pills, ate my breakfast, and sat in front of the TV. 

In one second, POOF! I'm watching Let's Make a Deal and Wayne Brady makes a lady sing. She's really good but really funny (to me at least) in the one second like a snap of someone's fingers my whole mood just changed. I blew off what happened last night. I did finally just talk to my husband and tell him why I had been so quiet. And I moved on. Now, this was an easy one for me, a less than one day and something sparked me and it passed. I see these as small triumphs. I pulled it together. Sometimes it lasts longer, days can go into a week, a bad downward spiral, like at the start, I was in depression more than out of it. It doesn't take much to set the spiral in motion, sometimes it doesn't take anything to set it in motion. People just need to be aware of their family and friends. If something seems off with someone, it probably is. Don't push, but pay attention, it's probably nothing but if it is maybe it won't take 6-7 years to catch it. I still have trouble if someone tries to push me to talk about it and I'm not in the mindset. It's very important to me that it's on my timetable and my terms.