Do the Shake - And I Don't Mean Dancing

The shakes are a normal occurrence for me and last night was no different. For the most part I haven't ventured out of my house alone very much in the last year and half and if I do it's to go to a local casino very,very late a night during the week when almost no one is there. I want to stare at something besides the four walls of my living, but I don't like to be around a lot of people anymore I get very nervous.

Considering I used to be in a business that was all about entertainment and being in front of audiences you would think I would have no problem being around people but ever since my complete collapse I haven't been able to turn this part of me around yet. I go in and find a chair somewhere away from where anyone else is sitting. My big improvement when it comes to the casino is where before my collapse I used it as an escape, spending and losing $1000's in a month I got that part under control. I now go armed with $20 and some free play at the most. I am getting better with self control, another positive I focus on.

The strange part is what happens to me every time someone I don't know comes near me. They don't need to speak to me, look at me, or do anything. I can slowly feel my insides tense up and then my insides feel like they're going faster than my outsides or I'll get a little woozy feeling. Then I can watch it start to happen and no matter what I do I can't stop it. My fingers and hands will start to shake to the point where I have to remove myself and go somewhere else where no one is or I'll get so upset I have to leave.

I don't know why it happens. I haven't been able to figure it out yet, even talking it all through. I've been unable to pinpoint where the trigger came from that's doing this to me. But, I try maybe 2x a month to venture out and test myself to work on it and see if I can get a little better at being alone around people. One or two people at a time is enough for me to test right now. Maybe someday my brain will set my body free and I'll be the more independent person I once was.