What Got Me Here?

A normal day for me has taken on a new meaning. It's every changing and ever evolving. In my 20's I was so active.  I was married at 22, then a stay at home mom to a wonderful little boy for 3 1/2 years before heading back to work. For 14 years I worked more than 40 hours a week running a dance school. I taught all levels of students from beginner to the most advanced. I was up and active, out of the house constantly. As a studio we traveled multiple times a year to different states to compete in dance competitions all the way up to the national level. I was a guru of handling pressure.

After 14 years I opened my own dance school. Everything in my life seemed to be going great! Of course with owning your own business there does come a certain amount of pressure but I was great at handling pressure, most people would say it was one of my fortes. The studio was going well and my students were placing nationally within their first year and only kept improving.

Then everything started to change. I started getting sick (really sick) 4-5 times a year. I would be out of work for at least a week. I went on the way on and off antibiotics and steroids, I would pull muscles coughing to the point where they would give me pain pills as well. My family physician just blamed it on the fact that I smoked and was around children every day and sent me on my way. The last 3 years before I finally gave my business up I was on antibiotics more than off them and would spend 21 days on steroids, 7 days off and then back on again. I was hospitalized a few times for breathing issues and low blood oxygen levels and I was finally sent to a pulmonologist. Even with the pulmonologist I wasn't having much luck. Of course I was depressed, short tempered, and had personality changes from the steroids. (at least that's what we blamed it on) Lots of tests later and the pulmo's suggestion of the addition of and ENT, a lot started to come clear. There were multiple issues: infection in throat, infection in my upper sinus that was hardened and close to the brain, and COPD. So surgery first, then finding the medications that would help the COPD the most, and then trying to find the triggers.

Well, all the rugs in my house had to be removed and my home is as clean as a hospital on a daily basis now. As the pulmo says the more I keep myself in a bubble the less I will get sick. I thought with doing all of that and the surgery behind me I was on the road to recovery and returning back to a somewhat normal life. Boy was I wrong. While I was still recovering from surgery I tried to make a visit to my work because I wanted to see "my kids" so badly. It did not go well. One of my teachers, who I trained, now decided she knew more than I did, a few parents were really starting trouble behind my back and with everything else I came home to an empty house and it felt like something snapped. That is when I made the first attempt I talked about in my earlier blog and the decision was made that between my regular health issues and the mental snap I closed my business and ave stepped out of the world for the last year and half.

What my family and I were blaming the steroids for with my personality changes were the start of my bipolar and manic depression. The steroids were easily masking the problem so no one was really able to tell the problems I was heading for. Left to my own devices for as long as I was it is somewhat of a miracle I am still here. And my struggle is still far from over. One day at time, congratulating myself for the good days and when I have bad days trying to work through it. 

Do the Shake - And I Don't Mean Dancing

The shakes are a normal occurrence for me and last night was no different. For the most part I haven't ventured out of my house alone very much in the last year and half and if I do it's to go to a local casino very,very late a night during the week when almost no one is there. I want to stare at something besides the four walls of my living, but I don't like to be around a lot of people anymore I get very nervous.

Considering I used to be in a business that was all about entertainment and being in front of audiences you would think I would have no problem being around people but ever since my complete collapse I haven't been able to turn this part of me around yet. I go in and find a chair somewhere away from where anyone else is sitting. My big improvement when it comes to the casino is where before my collapse I used it as an escape, spending and losing $1000's in a month I got that part under control. I now go armed with $20 and some free play at the most. I am getting better with self control, another positive I focus on.

The strange part is what happens to me every time someone I don't know comes near me. They don't need to speak to me, look at me, or do anything. I can slowly feel my insides tense up and then my insides feel like they're going faster than my outsides or I'll get a little woozy feeling. Then I can watch it start to happen and no matter what I do I can't stop it. My fingers and hands will start to shake to the point where I have to remove myself and go somewhere else where no one is or I'll get so upset I have to leave.

I don't know why it happens. I haven't been able to figure it out yet, even talking it all through. I've been unable to pinpoint where the trigger came from that's doing this to me. But, I try maybe 2x a month to venture out and test myself to work on it and see if I can get a little better at being alone around people. One or two people at a time is enough for me to test right now. Maybe someday my brain will set my body free and I'll be the more independent person I once was. 

One Second Can Change My World

Last night I started this blog because I was upset. I thought starting from the beginning and getting my feelings out would be a start to doing myself some good in all of this. So I went to bed upset and angry. I wanted a family member to do a simple thing for me (send me a picture in a text) and they told me No they'd do it tomorrow. I explained I didn't need it tomorrow I needed it that day. Still got a No. Now, did I have a right to be angry? I think so. They were just plain rude over the easiest thing, a picture. 

But, off to extremes I went, and still woke up that way at 6 a.m. It actually took me about 3-4 hours to pull my brain together and my medications ( mood stabilizer + zoloft in the a.m.) helped. That simple No to me turned into that person didn't love me anymore. Why would they do that? Over and Over I played it in my head. All the things I had done for them. Why? There had to be a reason. They were mad at me, they didn't want me around, I wasn't useful in their life, the list goes on and on. As I took my evening pills that knock me out and stop my brain from going off the deep end (Thank God!) I had worked myself up into full blown tears and just curled in a ball and fell asleep on my couch for the night. 

When I woke up I felt pretty much the same. My husband just thinks I'm not feeling well, as I have COPD as well and I am coughing and struggling with that right now because of the wonderful winter weather. The reason I was feeling the way I was wasn't his fault so I didn't want to involve him, I knew this was one I could work through on my own. So I took my pills, ate my breakfast, and sat in front of the TV. 

In one second, POOF! I'm watching Let's Make a Deal and Wayne Brady makes a lady sing. She's really good but really funny (to me at least) in the one second like a snap of someone's fingers my whole mood just changed. I blew off what happened last night. I did finally just talk to my husband and tell him why I had been so quiet. And I moved on. Now, this was an easy one for me, a less than one day and something sparked me and it passed. I see these as small triumphs. I pulled it together. Sometimes it lasts longer, days can go into a week, a bad downward spiral, like at the start, I was in depression more than out of it. It doesn't take much to set the spiral in motion, sometimes it doesn't take anything to set it in motion. People just need to be aware of their family and friends. If something seems off with someone, it probably is. Don't push, but pay attention, it's probably nothing but if it is maybe it won't take 6-7 years to catch it. I still have trouble if someone tries to push me to talk about it and I'm not in the mindset. It's very important to me that it's on my timetable and my terms. 

So You're Mentally Ill? Yes I am...

And I'm finally to the point where I'm not afraid to talk about it. I don't care about the labels or who reads this and finds out. I am who I am and I'm learning to deal with it very slowly.

I was diagnosed Bi-polar/manic depressant about 6 months ago. The story leading up to the diagnoses will surprise you. A little over a year ago I attempted suicide. I swallowed an entire bottle of pills (will not specify since it could have actually worked) and drank a large amount of alcohol. I don't think it took very long before I was down for the count. I was home alone and knew I would be for at least 2-3 hours and I thought that would be long enough for everything to take effect and for me to be peacefully gone before my husband got home.

Next thing I remember is someone shaking me asking me if I knew where I was. I didn't recognize the person but I looked around and knew enough of the surroundings to say "my house." What follows is only what I've been told, because I don't actually remember the next 5 days. My husband got home and could not wake me up, he called 911 and an ambulance came to the house. They rushed me to the hospital as I screamed at my husband and mother (who had rushed down) how much I them and I guess a lot of other nasty things because they wouldn't let me die. The surprising part... Once at the hospital they got me up enough that I could speak (again not that I remember one thing). A psychiatrist was brought down and administered a psych evaluation to see if I needed to be committed. After giving me the test he went out and told my husband that I had to be an extremely smart woman because I answer every question as if I was giving the perfect textbook answer and because I passed the psych eval. and was refusing treatment there was nothing they could do but send me home. If I has stopped breathing, gone into cardiac arrest, kidney failure they could have kept me. I spent days "asleep" on the couch in my house. From what I understand I was talking, would get up walk around, go to the bathroom etc, my husband and mother never left me alone, and finally after everything wore off I "woke" up. Woke up that I actually realized I was still alive.

I spent a few weeks being angry. A few being upset. Then I started to have good days and bad days. On the good days I would try to think things out, write stuff down. On the bad days I would curl up under a blanket for hours, spend $300-400 or dollars online, or look up new ways to kill myself. If my husband or mother tried to speak to me about it at all I would freak out!!! At the hospital they said unless they feared I was an eminent threat to myself again, let me come to grips with it in my own timetable.

It took me almost 4 months to finally call my mother one day crying that I needed to go see someone for help. I blanked out and when I "woke up" I found myself pen in hand writing a suicide note. I didn't even remember getting the pen and paper. I called and called all over, same response from everyone, we can get you in around a month from now, we can't take new patients, there's a 2 month wait. OMG, hey I've attempted suicide 2x how long can I afford to wait? On top of which while my mood was that I would go to a psych it was best to get me there before I changed my mind.

Finally got in to one after LOTS and LOTS of calls. I had to fill a very lengthy questionnaire, took over a half hour or more, then went in the psych. She went through all of the info I had written and asked me  more questions about certain things. After that we talked for about 10 minutes more. Diagnoses bipolar/manic depressant and that based on timeline I had probably been that way for 6-7 years building and building but no one saw the signs.

We really need to get more people educated about it and more people who have it to step up and admit it. There is nothing wrong with admitting it, it's a disease. If more people talked about and really understood it maybe the stigma surrounding it would slowly start to go away.